


Afterwards

by Pforte



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: Alternate Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:50:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2549849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pforte/pseuds/Pforte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What could have happened afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> LJ repost. Many thanks to LJ user fawatson who beta-read this story back in the day.

He felt acutely that a wrong word could shatter his composure. Instinctively, Laurie knew that being kind to Ralph alone wouldn’t do, he would have to allow Ralph to be kind to him. He saw hope flicker in his weary blue eyes but it was tentative and shy like a calf using its legs for the first time. Still he couldn’t fully comprehend that this was his doing. Like a boy throwing stones into the water and marveling at the waves, he couldn’t quite believe that he was able to exert such power. Unlike the boy, Laurie’s incredulity was tinged with self-disgust. Responsibility had found him at last. Ralph was not supposed to look exhausted and blurry around the edges, for he was forever solid and energetic in Laurie’s memories. Never, never again, he swore silently. 

There were things that needed to be done. He had to give him time to discreetly put the letters away but his mind was too worn-out and overwhelmed to think of a feasible excuse. In the end, he used his injury to help Ralph overcome his. 

“I’m awfully sorry to be a bother but I came here in a hurry and strained my knee on the way. Would you mind terribly if I lay down for a moment?” It was unlike him to ask for comfort but it revived Ralph as he had hoped it would. 

“Not at all. Do, Spud. I’ll fix us a drink,” he said with that certain brusqueness that stems from uncertainty. In a few quick strides he was at the bed and picked up the discarded shirt. 

Slowly, Laurie walked over to the divan and took his time to pull off his boots. His knee throbbed dully but he hardly noticed. Another pain, the near-loss of something precious, though not fully understood and valued before, was too fresh to be ignored. Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched Ralph bustling about the room, only sustained by his iron will and pride. He heard the rustling of paper and a wave of relief soothed the new pain somewhat. Then Ralph was there, not fitting into the soft, red lavishness of the room any more than into Sandy’s circle. Yet, he moved through both, not easily but ostensibly without effort. He ought to have seen this earlier. It was then that Laurie knew he would spend the night at Alec’s expense. Wordlessly, Ralph handed him the drink and downed his. His posture was not giving anything away but Laurie saw the fissures in his armor. It was the sort of awareness that only comes with inner knowledge. 

The wish to say something meaningful grew strong but anything he might say would betray him and spoil the moment. Laurie drank the rum, grateful for the warmth it created. Before Ralph could fix them another glass, he reached for him and pulled him down. Ralph being Ralph, the glasses were put neatly out of the way before he settled close to him without resistance. Never before had Laurie instigated intimacy and it felt a bit like standing on a diving board. A silent sigh escaped Ralph and Laurie swallowed it with the same devotion he had once bestowed on his Plato after leaving his study. 

“What I said earlier was brutal and foolish,” he said finally, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could refine them. “I hope you can--” He didn’t know how to continue. Forgiveness seemed too much to ask. 

“Don’t make a big deal out of it. I’d think anyone would have come to the same conclusion,” Ralph replied in a voice as crisp as newly frozen snow. Laurie understood the feeling behind it and felt strangely touched. Like the heroes in the adventure stories of his childhood, Ralph had faced and overcome a fierce and powerful beast. What the stories never told was the hero’s return to normalcy and the forgiveness he had to show those who could not understand. Ralph did it without showing the effort it took, much as he changed the gears of his car. 

“When do you have to be back?” he asked now, his voice a little lighter. 

“Alec gave me a pass.” 

Ralph’s face was impossible to read, then. How much he suspected couldn’t be said, nor what he thought of it. 

“I suppose I have to put a _thank you_ on top of that apology I owe him,” he eventually said. Laurie exhaled, not aware that he had been holding his breath. With sudden clarity his overwrought brain worked out what Alec had meant about Ralph being nothing like Sandy, that he had suspected all along. The sharp shock was mercifully softened by a deep, unconditional gratitude. Just in time he remembered that he was not supposed to know about the whole affair. 

“Alec mentioned a misunderstanding. Something about Bunny.”

“Yes,” Ralph agreed gruffly. “It’s of no consequence now. It won’t happen again, I made sure of that.”

There was a helpless sort of silence Laurie knew only to fill with touches and kindness. Ralph’s caresses were sincere and betrayed a profound need of something he couldn’t quite grasp. But they lacked purpose and Laurie responded in kind. He felt a fierce stab of desire to reclaim what he had carelessly given up earlier and taken for granted even longer, but there would be time for that later. Presently, all he felt and yearned for was dulled by sheer exhaustion. He couldn’t accept Ralph’s unreserved generosity just now, when sleep and recovery were more important. With his intuitive ability to anticipate the needs of others, Ralph suggested an early night. When he got up and fixed the room for the night, his movements were slow and deliberate but he looked more himself than earlier. A menacing shadow had touched them and passed, leaving them shuddering but alive. Ralph helped him with his trousers and folded their clothes into neat piles. The pajamas he lent him were the same he had curiously touched the first time he had been in Ralph’s room. They felt just as smooth and exotic but smelt clean and soapy like everything Ralph owned. 

“You all right, Spud?” Ralph asked, hovering. He looked almost surprised by the sudden domesticity of the scene. 

“Yes, thank you. I’m afraid I’m quite done in,” Laurie said. 

“Bloody hell of a day.” Ralph nodded, allowing himself a brief smile, the first since he had come in. He slid in beside Laurie, a solid, warm weight he would like to get used to. The pleasure carried by the simplicity of the thought surprised him and made him bold. Ralph would be content to sleep next to him, he realized, and remembered an earlier thought. Tentatively, he reached for his hand and entwined their fingers. As he had hoped, Ralph arranged them back to chest. The position was a bit awkward on his leg but he would cope. Then the room lay in darkness and Laurie closed his eyes and focused on the steady heartbeat against his back. 

In his dreams, reality and boyhood fantasies merged. 

_The flickering light of the fire fell on leather and books. Laurie looked up to Ralph, whose face was just as it had been at nineteen but he wore a glove with padded fingers on his left hand._

_“Next time you go away, I’m going with you,” Laurie said. He could not get up because his knee hurt badly._

_Ralph looked down to him, smiling briefly, then stood and smoothed his uniform. Someone called his name and Laurie looked up. His room didn’t have four walls anymore but warped into the ward and there were lines of beds and cold, hard light. Farther down he saw his mother. She was waving but before she could walk toward him, Mr. Straike appeared and led her away. He called after her but all sound was lost._

_As he turned his gaze back to the armchair, Ralph was gone._

 

***

 

When he woke up, it was still dark but the night had lost its final quality. It would only be a few more hours till sunrise. Still, he knew at once that Ralph was not there. Panic made him clumsy and he very nearly rolled off the bed. He struggled to his feet, barely noticing that his knee didn’t hurt for once. Time was a gracious host and his memories were darkening already; yet he supposed that his hands had been just as cold and numb at Dunkirk. Finally, he managed to light a candle. It was then that he heard Ralph’s precise steps on the stairs and the door opened only moments later. Ralph blinked at him, surprised. He wore only his vest and pajama bottoms. At once, Laurie felt a fool for not realizing that Ralph’s clothes were still where he had put them the evening before. 

“Did I wake you, Spuddy?” A few hours sleep had done him a world of good. Ralph’s eyes were brighter and more confident. 

“I think you might but I shouldn’t think I noticed. Just now, I didn’t know where I was, is all,” he answered, more convincing than he had expected. He had never stayed the night before. 

“Good God, I’m glad you found the candle. Last time you blundered about the room in the dark, you bitched up your knee,” Ralph said and came closer. His night vision was still impeccable and of course he would have found the way to the lower landing without any light. Gently, Ralph took the candle from him with his good hand, touching Laurie’s ever so lightly. The mood shifted. Laurie hadn’t known that he was capable of feeling such a raw need to reconnect with another person. Just then, he barely managed to keep his hands where they were. He felt a shock as Ralph touched him by the elbow and steered him back to bed. 

“What is it, Spud? Worrying again?” Ralph asked with half a smile. Close up, his eyes were as blue as the winter sky. 

“No. More likely the opposite,” Laurie said and brought their lips together. It was as much about reassurance as it was about the fulfillment of physical need. The skin under his hands was warm and the muscles moving underneath were firm and alive. His hair felt as soft and fine as ever. Being in the lead for once filled Laurie with unknown feelings, mingling timidity with the triumph of conquest.

“Spuddy,” Ralph said in a deep, low voice heavy with joy and surprise, and held him tight. 

 

***

 

Afterwards they lay facing each other. There was something lackadaisical about the silence now, as if all the tension had been smoothed away. Laurie found that allowing someone to be generous could be a kind gesture in itself. Perhaps their previous disagreements were not so much about Ralph being unable to let others live their lives, than about himself being unwilling to accept kindness where it was naturally offered. The thought pained him.

“Do you remember the night of my mother’s wedding day?” Laurie asked, having made up his mind. 

Ralph’s face remained calm but his eyes betrayed a flicker of emotion. “Of course I do.”

_This_ , Laurie thought, _mustn’t be easier_. All day, he had avoided thinking about it, yet he carried a wound that would take a long time healing. Strangely enough, despite everything that had happened, he no longer felt a traitor. He realized that not once since he had found out about Bunny’s near-disastrous move had he thought about paying Andrew another visit to put things straight. After all, the facts were unchanged, only the details were slightly improved. Deep down, he may have feared rejection but mostly he would be loathe to apologize for feeling what he did, always had. His choice had been made for him but it had been made nonetheless. 

“I was sentimental that night. Silly really. I don’t know how you were able to put up with me. But you promised...well. Do you remember?”

“Don’t be absurd. One doesn’t say such things willy-nilly.” Ralph frowned. “Although I do understand why you would think that.” 

“No, Ralph, that wasn’t--. I was just thinking. You see, I’m being discharged in three days.”

Ralph raised his head, the bruise on his left cheekbone standing out more now that it had had time to darken. “Christ, three days! I say, Spud, that doesn’t give me much time to fix something up for us.” 

Laurie smiled at the tone of his voice. “Don’t let me make such a nuisance of myself. I can rent a room for a few weeks and then I need to find something at Oxford anyway.”

“Stop talking nonsense, Spud. You can squeeze in here for a couple of days, if that’s all right with you.” Ralph’s voice was firm and matter-of-fact but Laurie felt that there was an underlying note of triumph. Nothing pompous but something one would imagine from a long-distance runner having mastered a particularly steep slope. Indeed, it had been a long run and he felt exhaustion taking its toll, saw it in Ralph’s face, too. 

“Will you let me do anything?” he asked, reaching out and gently touching the bruised skin. Weariness and affection softened the reproach. 

Ralph smiled charmingly and kissed him. “Of course,” he said, echoing the words his dream-self had refused to speak. For now it would suffice. 

 

***

 

_They are far, both of them, from home, and lonely, and lengthened by their strive the way has been hard. Now their heads droop side by side till their long manes mingle; and when the voice of the charioteer falls silent they are reconciled for a night in sleep._

 

_Fin_


End file.
